It Matters To Me
by CareBehr
Summary: M/M post-Destiny, before they got back together
1. Default Chapter

"Maria-come with me."  
  
Michael reached out his hand, beckoning her to journey with him to his home planet. She reached for him and then-  
  
Sweet, sweet fantasy baby.   
If I lose my mind,   
You'll come and protect me.   
Oh, so deep in my daydream,   
But it's just a sweet, sweet fantasy baby.  
  
Maria groaned as her dream was interrupted by an annoyingly chipper Mariah Carey song. Without moving her head from its current position (buried under a mountain of pillows and blankets), she reached out and pushed the snooze button, cutting Mariah off mid-scream. That gave her about ten minutes before she had to haul her lazy ass out of bed.  
  
She snuggled deeper under her covers, and once again thoughts of Michael filled her head.  
  
"Maria, what are you thinking? How could I ever leave you when you're the only thing I live for?" He ran his hand lightly down her cheek, then leaned in closer for a sweet kiss and…  
  
Baby tell me where'd you ever learn,   
To fight without saying a word?  
You waltz back into my life,  
Like it's all gonna be alright  
Don't you know how much it hurts?  
  
Maria sat up, cursing silently. Figures the song that woke her up from her pleasant dream was one that described her current situation with Michael perfectly. Michael didn't love her, hell sometimes he didn't even like her! Oh well, irony could go fuck itself for all she cared. And with that thought, she jumped out of bed and headed for the shower.  



	2. Something more important to do...

Later that day, Maria found herself in history, staring disappointedly at Michael's empty seat. Again he had chosen to skip school, no big surprise there. That was about the only thing she could count on him to do! Everything else was just so…complicated. Michael didn't even know much about himself, but what he did know he wasn't very open to sharing with anyone. Especially not her. When had things started to go wrong? And then for some strange reason, the song from earlier that morning popped into her head.   
  
Don't you know how much it hurts?  
When we don't talk  
When we don't touch  
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love   
It matters to me  
When I don't know what to say  
Don't know what to do  
Don't know if it really even matters to you  
How can I make you see?  
It matters to me  
  
Once again irony had decided to give her a swift kick in the ass. Michael, Michael, what am I going to do about you? If she could just get him out of her head, then maybe she could-"Huh?"  
  
"Miss DeLuca, I believe I just asked you how the Elizabethan era got its name, would you care to answer or do you have something more important to do?"  
  
Maybe it was the song or the teacher asking if she had something else to do, but whatever it was, it caused Maria to stand up out of her chair. She threw her books into her bag and proceeded to run out the door. She mumbled an apology towards the teacher, "family emergency-just came up-can't stay", and as she left the school she could still hear her teacher's angry shouts following her. She sprinted until she was off school grounds, then she and her thirty-pound backpack collapsed into an exhausted heap on the sidewalk.   



	3. Where am I?

Maria yawned and stretched her sore arms, then suddenly she sat upright in panic. She didn't remember anything after leaving school...she didn't know where she was, or how she had gotten here! She ran to the window, and was still struggling to open it when she heard soft footsteps behind her.   
  
"That thing's been stuck for years. Don't bother."  
  
Without even turning around, Maria knew instantly who the voice had come from. She heard that voice in her dreams...  
  
"Michael," she whispered. Nothing more, nothing less. Just his name, but even that gave away her every emotion to him. Slowly she turned around, willing herself to avoid his gaze.  
  
"You passed out...I rescued you," he said, with a smug smile on his face.  
  
"Well thank you, but I should go, I can't stay here, school, band practice, I just-"  
  
"Shhh, just lie back, everything's under control." He placed a finger over her lips and kissed her forehead gently. He continued to place soft kisses on her face, making his way towards her lips. Before he could get there however, she shoved him back and crossed her arms defensively.  
  
"You can't do this Michael. You can't tell me that we can't be together, and then just come back whenever it's convenient for you. I love you, but God help me I won't let you break my heart again."  
  
"Wait Maria...please just let me-"  
  
"Don't say anything. I'm leaving now, Michael, and I want you to stay away from me. If being with you hurts this much, then I just don't think it's worth it anymore." And then she turned and fled from his apartment before he could see the tears begin to stain her cheeks.  



	4. When we don't talk

After it seemed like she had been walking for hours, Maria finally reached her house and threw herself onto her bed, sobs wrenching out of her. Luckily her mother wasn't home, or she'd probably be wondering what Maria was doing home at 12:30 in the afternoon- thank God for small miracles!   
  
She was startled out of her self-pity by a faint but persistent rapping on her window. Hastily she wiped her eyes and lifted the shade. Michael peered in at her, his eyes pleading with her to let him in. She opened the window, and he stepped inside. The two stood several feet apart, neither saying a word. The sound of Maria's clock beside her bed was deafening in light of their silence. Finally, Michael accepted defeat and retreated back through Maria's bedroom window. Pain ripped through her, and her sobs were renewed. Unbeknownst to her, Michael was still watching her from outside. He saw her grief and his cold heart began to twist with guilt.  



	5. When we don't touch

*What's up with you Maria? You know better than to get upset over some dumb guy. Snap out of it!* She splashed cold water on her face, gasping when she saw her reflection. Her eyes had dark circles from all her makeup running off, her lips were puffed and red; her hair was a mess! She turned the water on till it was practically burning, and stepped into the shower. She began to loosen up, and the warm water served to wash away her tensions.   
  
Maria did the finishing touches on her makeup, ran a brush through her short blond hair, grabbed her keys, and headed to work. She had run out of class that morning, but there was no way she'd skip work too.   
  
After waiting on a several rude tourists and one unhappy baby, Maria finally took her break. She spotted Max and Isabel at their usual booth, and slid in the bench across from them.  
  
"Hey guys how's it going? Are you meeting Mi-I mean anyone here?" Great, be a dork Maria. You're supposed to hate Michael, not be asking his friends about him!  
  
"Well we hadn't planned on it," Max began, "but anyway what's this I hear about you running out in the middle of history? Ms. Meyer must have had a cow!"  
  
"Oh you heard about that, well...," Maria began to explain when she heard the familiar jingle of the door to the Crashdown opening. In walked Michael, handsome and defiant as ever.   
  
He slid into the bench beside her; instinctively she moved further into the booth, and further away from him. She felt his leg brush against hers and both flinched at the contact. Isabel and Max couldn't help but notice the tension between their two friends. Finally Maria couldn't stand it anymore.  
  
"OK break's over I have to leave I have to go back to work I have to leave please let me out Michael I really need to leave I'll see you guys later...". Her response was spoken hurriedly and was barely comprehensible. When Michael did not move out of the booth right away, she climbed on top of the table, jumped down, and ran back into the kitchen.  
  
Isabel exclaimed, "She's a little weird to begin with, but that was just insane! What in the world has gotten into that girl?"  
  
Michael answered her, a wry smile crossing his lips, "I think I might know..."  
  
*I'm not sure what the real name of their history teacher is, does anyone know???  



	6. When it doesn't feel like we're even in ...

I can't keep having these thoughts; I can't keep replaying these same fights over and over again in my mind...*FLASH* back to Maria and Michael, shortly after "Destiny."  
  
"Maria, you know this won't work. I've got responsibilities that you wouldn't even understand, and a predestined life that doesn't include you."  
  
"But shouldn't it be up to me to? How can you make this decision and just expect me to be ok with it?"  
  
"It doesn't matter if you're ok with it. This has nothing to do with you. I'm supposed to be with Isabel; being with you is just lying to myself. Don't complain about it and don't try to change my mind. This is out of your hands. What we had was great and all I guess...we just need to move on."  
  
"I thought we were in love...maybe not like Max and Liz but there was something there, and if you can just walk away from that, well then I guess I was wrong about you. I thought you were someone worth caring about. Goodbye, Michael."  
  
*END FLASH*  
  
Maria shook off the memory, wincing as she felt again the pain of the things he had said. She had been wrong about him...she'd thought he was different than other guys, but no he was an asshole too! Maria tried to just forget about it, but she couldn't deny the fact that it did matter to her.  



	7. When I don't know what to say, don't kno...

Maria sat in the back room of the Crashdown, trying to calm herself down after running away from Michael and reliving a particularly painful memory. Finally she stood up, straightened her apron, and went back out to take orders.  
  
Her first customer was a rather large woman. "I'll have a chocolate milkshake, the #3 with extra mayonnaise, and a large piece of cheesecake," the woman said.  
  
Maria took all this down and walked back to the kitchen, muttering under her breath, "Like you really need that cheesecake…" Obviously, she wasn't in the greatest of moods. The day had been trying, and all Maria wanted to do was go home and sleep until her sorrow went away. She only had about thirty minutes until her shift was over, but each second seemed an eternity. Towards the end of her shift, things started to slow to a crawl as the dinner hour was coming to an end. Screw this, Maria thought as she yanked off her uniform and headed out the door, ignoring Liz's questioning glance.   
  
She hopped into her car, welcoming its familiar scent of pine-scented air freshener mixed with old running shoes (not the most pleasant smell, but still comforting all the same). Maria slipped the key in the ignition, turning it with the ease that comes only from much practice. To her dismay, the engine sputtered and died. "Great! I thought my day couldn't get any worse and now my car won't even fucking start and I can't exactly call my mom, seeing as she's running around with one of her boyfriends!"  
  
"Need a lift?" the familiar voice of a sexy, spiky-haired alien caught her ears.  
  
"Guess I was wrong again, my day could get worse," she groaned.  
  
"What's that?" Michael asked.  
  
"Oh nothing…I just…yes I'd love a ride home," Maria sputtered, practically kicking herself for accepting his proposal.  
  
Maria climbed reluctantly into the passenger seat beside Michael, being sure to sit as close to the door as possible, and therefore as far away from him as was feasible. Both made a few lame attempts at safe conversation, trying to steer clear of any talk of their relationship. Maria was saddened by the fact that two people, who used to be able to talk for hours, now couldn't even hold a simple conversation. Two who used to be so in love now didn't know how to talk or act around each other.  



	8. Don't know if it really even matters to ...

Finally they reached her driveway. Maria was out and running towards her door before Michael even set the parking brake.   
  
"Shit, Maria what's wrong with you!" Michael yelled after her. Why did she have to be such a spaz about everything?  
  
Maria took a deep breath before turning to face him. She knew that they needed to talk, to make things right. She was ready to fight for him, fight for them. It was like she couldn't breathe without him...but she turned around only to see taillights fading away against the night sky.  
  
I got along fine before  
Back when I didn't know him  
So why now, when he's gone  
Why do I feel like I'm dying?  
  
I never needed him   
Life went on  
And I was happy  
Naïve but happy  
  
Then he came into my life  
And I just thought  
I don't need him, I don't   
But yes I do want him  
  
Wanting turned into needing  
So something so new  
Now it's become an addiction  
And I can't live without it  
  
I need him like the air I breathe  
And without him my lungs are gasping  
My heart is quaking   
And I'm longing to take a deep breath  
  
So then what happens  
When I run out air?  
My face turns blue  
I twitch and shake  
  
And slowly but surely   
I die  
Not short and pleasant  
But painful and slow  
  
And from a bright blue  
To a deep crimson red  
My heart flutters and stills  
I breathe my last breath  
  
And he is gone  



	9. How can I make you see, it matters to me

Michael glanced in his rearview mirror, just once, quickly. In that brief amount of time he caught a glimpse of Maria watching his car retreat with a confused look on her face. The sight of this beautiful woman in pain all because of him caused yet another layer of ice to fall away from his heart. In a split second his foot was off the gas and slamming down on the brakes. He turned over his shoulder and backed haphazardly down the street back to where Maria stood in her driveway. He threw the car in park and ran out, stopping a few feet short of where Maria stood.  
  
"I had to come back...I know I can't keep running away every time I get scared. It's not going to be easy but I'm willing to try. The big question is are you willing to take me back? After all I've done am I still worth it?"  
  
"Michael it's always been you. And you warned me from the beginning about the dangers of getting involved. But I'm in too deep now...I need you. And even if I wish I could just forget you, I can't deny the fact that you do matter to me. You always have; you always will."  
  
  
THE END  
  
  
Author's Note: I kinda forgot about the whole disclaimer thing, so here it is- I do not own Roswell. I guess as of recently they belong to UPN, and formerly to the WB. Also, I know that each chapter is kind of short, but this is my first fic and I wasn't too great with the layout of it. Next one'll be better I promise! Sorry about the wait on the last chapter! 


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